Thursday, July 17, 2008

Said It All...

I've been at a point where I feel like I have nothing new to add to the blog, but I'll go ahead and jot some stuff down here. I saw the hijabi at the library again and this time we said Salam to each other, so that was nice.

Anyway, the understanding about "walking the line," as God outlined has not helped me as much as I thought it might in terms of being content with wearing the headscarf. Although it does help me understand the hijabi police sheriffs who are ever so strict with the line--insisting it is drawn at the wrists, jawline, ankles, etc. (Although I do think they need to lighten up---I understand why they don't).

On the night of July 4th, I had to go to the local Wal-Greens to pick up a supply. It was nearly 10 PM and I was alone. I have not been out that late alone for years. I felt vulnerable, especially since I figured on July 4th, there are more rowdy people out there looking for a good time, plus the Wal-Greens store was about to close. So, all this anxiety added up and I of course felt worried about walking in with my headscarf, not wanting any attention or being the target of negative attention. I had the thought that some other Muslim might think, so what if it makes me a target? Allah will protect me because I am wearing this headscarf for Allah. But I didn't. I thought, if I feel threatened by this scarf, then why force the issue? So I wore my scarf loose around my head, very loose. As I waited in line, a group 4 teenage boys ran in and I got really nervous, they walked behind me and snickered although it could be for any reason. So anyway, that's just another story where afterwards I thought--I don't really DO hijab do I?
But I still feel in my heart that even if all the evidence points to the fact that God Himself thinks that women should only expose their face and hands (sometimes feet?) in pubic, He'll still forgive me and understand why it makes me feel uneasy and out of place doing so in this day in this country. So I'm cool with that. Although my first wish is that the headscarf was more common (and therefore less strange/mysterious/odd) in America, I also wish that NOT wearing the headscarf was more accepted in strict Muslim structures like my Islamic center.

But I know it's difficult for people to agree on where to draw the it goes back to understanding why some Muslims cut through all the crap/pondering/wondering/feeing/analyzing (that is the content of most of my blog) and just say...the line is clear, now get on with it. I feel like I should do that and just shut up now! Perhaps I've said it all................


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that you are finding this so difficult but don't lose faith and remember it is not what's on your head that matters it is what is in your heart.
I started wearing hijab about five months ago and to start with I was really nervous but now I find it really normal- saying that I have had a few nasty run ins with rascist idiots and this is England which I imagine must be a lot easier than small town America.
I pray this will become easier for you :)

Carrotflowers said...

I agree with Arabista--- God knows what is in your heart. And I don't think that you've said all you can say! This blog is so enjoyable to read and has been a big part of my decision to start practicing Islam. There! Ha ha! I've said it! My husband and I have gone through some major upheavals, and part of the reason that I ventured to suggest we start going to the mosque and taking classes was because of the different perspective that I read here. You have always tried to include all sides of the issues, and have done so with humor and dignity. You offer great insight into this complicated topic.

Scarf Ace said...

thank you very much for your comment, arabista!

carrotflowers, wow, your comment is a pleasant surprise. i happily told my husband about it as well. good luck as you explore/discover islam. i personally recommend for resources. thanks for such uplifting words.

God bless you both!

Aisha La Estudiante said...

Sallam Sis,

May you be blessed in what you do. A dear friend who was nearly a brother to me once gave counsel to learn and have a balance and not feel so guilty. Whenever I look at wearing hairwraps that are less "hijab"ish I used to feel awfully guilty. Then I realized Ali was right, I needed balance... both to give myself room to grow and learn... Room to fit in if I chose with less obtrusive hairwraps as an option, as well as hats, bonnets, etc. Somedays I just don't feel like walking around with a big old sign (especially in my old Idaho home town... see my latest post)that says "HI I'm A MUSLIM, how do you feel about that? Please, let me know."

Anywho, I love your posts... your fair and balanced reporting (take that FOX news). It's nice to read your thoughts as you feel often the way many of us feel.



Scarf Ace said...

erica! thanks so much for sharing your words. i appreciate your comments. i'll check out your blog.

muslimahh said...

As everyone else said..really, your post is fantastic! It really makes me feel better about myself when I get frustrated with my hijab! But stay strong sister!! :)