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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Pangs and Bangs

Most of us women get pangs of nostalgia, right? About the way it used to be...even (especially?) about our appearance. As we get older, we remember our bodies being thinner and tighter--then we feel that pang. After we have children, we remember our chest and our ab muscles from pre-pregnancy days--then we feel that pang. For a lot of women, that pang turns into a sadness or an obsession--but I'm not talking about that kind of pang. I'm just talking about a simple, little, pang of nostalgia. I felt that about my hair the other day. I was looking in a mirror at home and thought, "wow, I'm having a good hair day, it's falling in curls here and there...it looks cute!" Then I felt that excitement we feel when we feel good about our appearance, that excitement that somehow tells us to show it off...like..."look at me...see me...notice this cute hair!" and then PANG! i realized...DUH...headscarf...no one is gonna see this cute hair day today or any other day for a long time (except my family). But it's still cute. Isn't it? If a tree falls in the woods but no one is around...does it really make a sound? :-)

The experience of that pang for my cute hair days felt a bit like a "before headscarf" and "after headscarf" moment. A moment of nostalgia of those carefree days of letting it all hang loose. But I got over it quickly. This time. I think it was harder to let go of those pangs when I was in high school. High school is about YOUTH..and youth is about beauty and shining and flaunting, at least in our society.

And that reminds me of something else. Someone I know mentioned that when she first started wearing the headscarf, the first 3 to 6 months were OK, but then things started getting more difficult and harder to deal with, in terms of how others treated her. That's also sort of like me in high school. The first few months with the scarf were OK...but after awhile, the negativity starts building up. The longing for acceptance and belonging grows...and lonliness and depression can set in. That's what happened in high school.

I hope that doesn't happen to me this time. It's only been a month, and so far so good. I feel good about doing this, I believe in this. And except for some pangs about my bangs...

It's still worth it.

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