I must now label myself as per The Hijabi Code: Half Hijabi. Meaning, I wear it here and there but not everywhere. I tried to wear it tight and pinned with full coverage when my husband was around mainly to avoid his questions and also because I feel a lot less anxious when going out in the world with him. When I do feel anxious, which is usually whenever I am alone, I wear the scarf loosely on my head, and even a few times sans scarf. I kept this wishy-washy practice under the table, but I recently "confessed" to my husband who declares that he thinks I should not wear it at all if not 100%, i.e. the scarf can never be half empty or half full. Half and half is not a good choice for a good brew. Ok, I'm rambling. Hmm. Is that the same advice someone would give as far as doing our 5 daily prayers-- if you skip one of them, just forget the remaining ones? Of course ESTABLISHING prayers as a regular never miss no matter what habit is more important than getting them done here and there, now and then, but still, isn't a little better than none? Hmm. Here's a funny quip from the Facebook group, "DA HIJABI CODE":
HALF HIJABIs: These lovely ladies are the ones caught in the Limbo between Hijab or No Hijab. "to be or not to be" is the question for these girls. With thier Hijab half on thier head and half off...u never know what they will do next! On the bright side though guys dont have to wonder whats hiding beneath those hijabs cuz these half hijabis give everyone a sneak peak 24/7. We say to ya'll with nothing but frustration..MAKE UP UR MIND! (ur confusing the kafirs.)
I tend not to fully BELIEVE in anything. I usually just go with the idea that it SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA. The problem with my approach is that it is a candle in the wind. Easily snuffed out when the going gets tough. But I wonder why I am like this. Lack of faith? Lack of trust? In what? Of what? For example, I think breastfeeding is GOOD IDEA, but do I BELIEVE in it? Not really, not if it causes too much trouble (which things that require belief usually do). Another example, I think parents should force their kids to eat veggies, brush teeth, and stick to a bedtime is a GOOD IDEA, but do I BELIEVE in it? Not really. Not if I'm too sick and tired of nagging them to get 'er done. Is eating healthy and getting excercise a GOOD IDEA? Yes! Do I do it all the time? Hardly. I must not really BELIEVE IT.
So what do I believe in? My husband says if I don't decide to BE something, then I'll end up BEING something even if I'm not aware of it. If I do not commit to some belief, some belief will attach itself to me regardless.
So, yes, being a believer is a choice that requires self-discipline and clear thinking and commitment and stamina and bravery and dare I say...SUBMISSION. yup. Perhaps I'm too arrogant and full of pride to have 100% faith in something, because at least 10% of faith has to be blind, doesn't it? No questions asked, no doubts entertained. I envy that type of belief.
So again...what do I believe in?!!! Must think. No more feeling. Just thinking. Belief must require more thought and less feeling, I think.