And Again.

Bismillahiramaniraheem...Salaam sisters! This is for you "wants to wear hijab" and "Edana" and "smith" who have left comments on my previous posts. Your loyalty and interest is all I need to start again, sharing my views on the topic of wearing a headscarf in America.

Let's see, about two weeks ago, I had a conversation with my husband. It was intellectual, empathic, personal, and psychological. I do not want to get into the specifics of the points that were made yet, for I fear that since it has been such a short time, I am afraid if I spill it all out, it will become overly stated as "IT IS DONE," in which case I feel hesitant to commit to that sentiment, I don't want to jinx myself as I have in the past. I do not want to go backwards, only forwards, InshaaAllah. Bottom line, since that conversation I have been wearing my headscarf in the most proper manner as I can manage, a huge leap from the half on, half off, completely off, confusing, anxiety provoking daily struggles with that loaded concept of hijabi life to one of solid clarity and integrity. Please say your dua for me in hopes that I can maintain this 2 week old behavior and let it grow and grow so as to root itself in my mind, heart, and soul so that I never return again to the worries, the dilemmas, the confusions. Alhamdulillah.

In a related topic, creating a hijabi styled wardrobe takes a lot of effort, time, and knowledge, and also expense...if one is wanting to create a proper yet diverse set of options. At this point I am struggling with the "hijabi essentials," which in short form would include the obvious need for headscarves, proper long sleeved tops and bottoms, skirts, stockings, shoes, arm sleeves, neck extentions, underbonnets, pins, brooches, and the overwhelming "hijab tutorials" that have invaded YouTube. These videos offer a lovely view of different styles, yet they have yet to meet my needs in terms of being what I can feel is my style of Hijab. Amenakin has a great following and a great style, yet I feel her designs are for the younger set of girls. I would feel overwhelmed with all the pins and drapes as I must rush to get the kids to school, wanting a slimmer look rather than a large flowing wrapped layered look. I spend hours online trying to find products to meet my needs in terms of body size, fabric options, scarf types, and my personal rules regarding the use of jewelry and make up and flashy blinged out scarves. I am a mother of 3, 34 years old, I am gracefully surrendering the things of youth, thus, I can no longer wear zebra print underscarves of shiny sparkling sequined hijabs. And my climate is one of extreme heat. I currently do not have a supply of modest yet ultra-cool options. I'm still learning, it is exciting, yet I am hesitant to get carried away. I want to take it slow. I have been wearing one black jersey scarf everyday, pinned at the neck and folded around shoulders and chest. Depending on the style of the top, some days I feel covered properly, other days when the skin of my neck or chest escapes my attempts at clumsily pinning the fabric together leave me feeling embarassed. These are just flying thoughts through my mind. I hope it finds peace as well as continue to excite me in its possibilities...so many positive options will open, InshaaAllah. And brooches, I need simple brooches for tying the scarf. And I need shorter cardigans. And I need long sleeve knit shirts in every color. And petite size yoga pants (those are the sweat pants of my generation), and I need scarves that are light and opaque and do not drown my petite frame in bulging fabrics. Abayas are not my style, unless they are slightly modified to fit in an edgy style, and will have to be customized to meet my short, post-3 c-section baby delivery body. Thank you for reading and supporting and joining me. May God the Merciful keep you in His favor!