In Over My Head

AM I IN OVER MY HEAD(SCARF)?




Lately, my husband and I have been watching our two children run around in a grassy area with little hills and trees and neighbors walking their dogs. I've been wearing a long flowing skirt, basic black shoes, a long-sleeve cotton shirt, and a two-piece al-amira style headscarf (also kind of flowy). As I stand there on that hill or march on the grass (avoiding the mud and dog poo), I feel like I am straight out of that photo from "Little house on the Prairie." I don't like it. I want to be more sophisticated like the cool-fab second photo above. But I know, it's really not important, and I should get over myself.

But it's like that time I had a government job after college. I was in a serious and responsible position. I wore conservative clothes, of course. But I felt I needed that extra something...So I bought and wore a silver-beaded choker-necklace that helped me keep my...you know...rock star edge.

I don't want to look matronly. I want to look hip. And so...

I get this uneasy feeling inside.

Why? Maybe because I'm still not a cheerleader for this headscarf, because I still think twice before going out on my own because I still feel self-conscious, because I'm still very vain, and because I still need to be a better Muslim (need to establish regular prayers, study Islam more, etc).

and...

I still don't consider the headscarf/hijab as a way to conquer all vanity.
I still don't think the hijab is a gaurantee against people judging me for something other than my mind.

still...

I am 100 % sure the Holy Quran mentions a modest code of behavior and dress women.
I am 100 % sure that all Shia and (majority Sunni) Islamic scholars specify the use of headscarf to cover hair, ears, and neck for women.

but...

My main ignorance is in the study of hadith (the narratives of the Prophet, his family, and his companions)...so I am only 75 % sure of the use of a headscarf for women as specified in hadith. So, with a measured amount of doubt I will say that it is an obligation in Islam to dress with hijab of headscarf and body covered.

...But I am not "in love" with hijab, nor do I feel a strong passion for wearing it as many other Muslim women do. I think that the headscarf HAS become a symbol for Islam in many ways. And that symbolism is complex. For example, if I had been a student studying at university in Turkey when they banned the headscarf in public institutions, I would have removed the headscarf and continued my education. I cringe at the thought of those who will say I value education over religion because of that example...

Nevertheless, here I am...

and...

Basically, if the message I send while wearing hijab is...I am a Muslim, a member of the religion of Islam, which advocates the dignity, integrity, and protection of woman...and I want to be pious in a world that isn't... then I'm glad.

And that's all I can say. For now.